Understanding Bereavement

By KSU Counseling Services Staff

Preview Points

Bereavement or mourning is a common reaction to loss.
This is part of the universal human experience.
Learning how to handle bereavement well is important for college students, given that over 80% of them report the death of at least one loved person in their lives.

Bereavement is a normal response to the powerful stress of loss. The loss of others through death is a universal experience and it can be one of the most distressing events of our lives. Over 80% of college students report the death of at least one loved person in their lives—grandparents, parents, siblings, teachers, and friends. And, each year thousands of college students themselves die because of accidents, illnesses, trauma, and, suicide. In fact, at any one time, over 20% of college undergraduates have lost a loved one within the previous year, and over 35 % within the previous 2 years.

Everyone responds to these losses in their own way...no one response is "correct" or "necessary"; however, emotional and physical symptoms can seem overwhelming and perhaps even feel frightening.

Feelings can include

shock, which protects from the impact of the loss for a while
disbelief, because it must be a mistake
anger toward oneself for doing/not doing something...toward the deceased for dying...toward God for allowing this to happen
blaming oneself, the deceased, anyone
denial, not allowing feelings to surface
fear, wondering if it always will hurt so bad
sadness, overwhelming feelings of loss, lack of interest in usual things
tearfulness
anxiety, running and intrusive thoughts, worrying
relief that suffering is over for the deceased
longing to make everything as it used to be
depression, isolation, loneliness
numbness, no feelings at all
helplessness, in specific or general ways
avoidance of pleasurable activities
neediness, not wanting to be alone or to have to make decisions
irritability, everything is annoying
preoccupation with the loss
difficulty with even routine decisions
startling easily
feelings of unreality
disinterest in usual activities
guilt about feelings
relief about continuing to live

Physical reactions can include

fatigue
digestion problems
headaches
dizziness
shakiness
weakness
changes in sleep
nightmares
changes in eating
skin problems

There is no timetable for bereavement or for its intensity. Some people do not seem to show obvious signs of grief; their post-loss adjustment can be as healthy as those who show more "traditional" grief. Never assume to know how a bereaved person feels or what they are experiencing in their loss.

How bereavement is experienced is not a measure of how much the loss is felt nor is it a measure how much the person was loved and is missed. There is no "right way" to grieve.

There are, however, "wrong ways" to grieve...ways that are not helpful to the bereaved person. These include

reliance on alcohol or drugs
taking care of everyone else without self-care
engaging in risky behavior
staying away from friends
avoiding pleasurable activities
contemplating self-harm

Some ways that likely will help during bereavement include the following

sleep enough
eat regularly
get some exercise
keep routines as much as possible
avoid big decisions
ask for help
allow emotions, and allow a break from emotions
use spiritual strengths
spend time with people
continue to plan things for personal growth and enjoyment

Following a death, surviving bereaved family members receive support from friends. Friends, then, sometimes do not feel entitled to their own grief, and, so, ignore their own sadness and loss. In reality, friends too experience bereavement and will benefit from paying attention to their own feelings and needs.

A small number of people develop a more complicated grief. They seem to lose meaning in their lives and the general business of living. They withdraw from relationships, continue to be preoccupied with the deceased person, and often experience a break in their personal belief systems. They are stuck in their grief. It is important to help these people connect with their pastor, their physician, or a mental health professional.

Most people, however, have an adaptable resilience after even great loss. They again engage in their own lives, continuing with the love and memories of the deceased person as an important part of their own history. So, although grief generally is not "resolved," it is reconciled and it allows making new memories and having new love. In fact, many people find new meaning in their own lives during bereavement; they reconnect with their own strengths and dreams, often deepening their spiritual foundation and their relationships.

Concluding Points

There are healthy ways to mourn and unhealthy ways to mourn.
Mourning itself is natural.
Students should find healthy ways to express their sadness.

References

Woodford, Joyce A. (2008). K-State University Counseling Services. n.p.