Teenager (noun)

1. A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS.) Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See PARENTS.) Very territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF.) The males of the species forage for food constantly (See MCDONALD'S) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF.)

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS.) Males indicate their approval by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF.) The call of the female is complex and shrill: Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh! Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios.

Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS, LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE.)

2. Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. (She's a Teenager.)

3. A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. (I have a Teenager at home.) Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

The Cameron Column
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
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