Own our emotions
If our own emotions begin to interfere with listening or if a personal disclosure would strengthen helping, we might choose to express our feelings. Owning feelings means that we know that our feelings belong to us and we take responsibility for them. We don’t blame Friends for how we feel. We share our feelings instead of being aggressive, defensive or withdrawing. Owning feelings does not manipulate Friends, make them feel guilty or control their behavior. Owning feelings is a genuine expression of emotion, an opportunity for continuing the conversation.

We can describe how we feel in the same way we show understanding of feelings: by expressing them directly, identifying a metaphor, referring to an action, or identifying a physical reaction. For example, a father whose child is severely sick might say, “I love you deeply, Sandy. I would walk a thousand miles just to ease one moment of your pain” (holds his child and begins to cry softly with her).

A dearneighbor responds to a friend who just told her that her son has AIDS, “Oh Sandy, my heart feels crushed by the pain you’re sharing. The sharing of emotions builds community as long as it does not pull the focus away from Friends.