Principle 19
❖ Anger is a warning bell for others
Our anger lets others know that they have intruded into our territory, and it warns them to back off. Anger can serve to regulate our relationships with others, revealing what we value and what we would defend if threatened. Our anger toward a child's behavior certainly makes it very clear that we object to what the child did.
In a similar way, a child's anger serves as a warning to others. School bullies, for example, may test a potential victim on the playground for their signs of resistance and anger in relatively mild confrontations. Finding none, the bully may be emboldened to become more aggressive. The child who shows signs of anger and resistance is saying, "Back-off, now!” The passive child who shows no early anger and resistance could become a more visible target for bullies.
Losing control of anger, though, reveals our weakness to others, not our strength. There may also come a time when the growl may have to become a bite when a child has to physically defend him or herself or another.
Also, the warning bell has to have a positive impact on the other's behavior. This show of anger is intended to induce fear in another. When you assess the situation, you might decide that you cannot achieve your goal and that biting your lip will avoid creating a nasty scene that benefits no one. As a warning, the purpose of anger is to avoid conflict.